


Enough

by PlayMeAMemory



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Magic Revealed, Possibly Pre-Slash, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-04-06
Packaged: 2017-12-07 16:44:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/750744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayMeAMemory/pseuds/PlayMeAMemory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin had given up, and was ready to take the final leap. Except for Arthur wouldn't let him. T rated for a failed suicide attempt. Also posted on fanfiction.net.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enough

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Merlin unfortunately.
> 
> This is probably very slashy, it isn't meant to be a slash so it can be called a pre-slash. Never mind I believe in Merthur or Arlin anyway so doesn't make any difference to me. I do hope you enjoy it. You can complain and moan at me if you want. Constructive critic is strongly wanted and needed. 
> 
> So, here we go…

Merlin has had enough with everything, his life, his job, his destiny and even his faux sunny attitude to life. What was the point? Everyone under appreciated him, everything he had done for Camelot had gone unnoticed. No one really cared for him really. He was the big bumbling idiot, who always tried to look on the bright side. Arthur and Gaius saw him either as a burden or someone to dump unimportant tasks on. Gwen saw him as the sweet manservant that maybe thought too much of himself. The Dragon saw him as a chess piece, poised and ready to move at any given moment. Morgana saw him as the infuriating little servant boy who always seemed to get in the way of her plans. Uther, well, Merlin didn't want to know what the King of Camelot thought of him. He knew it was bad regardless the fact that Merlin had saved his life, his son's life and Camelot more times than every Knight of Camelot put together.

That was how he decided that it would be best if he weren't there at all. No one would miss him. Arthur would get by without him. Who cared about him, really? Gaius was looking after him because it was his duty. No one really cared about Albion, everyone who had magic always ended up being bad anyway. Which in short means that he would probably end up being bad himself, the world would be so much better without him.

Now, here he was standing at the edge of the highest part of Camelot which you could jump from, the wind pushing behind him, whispering into his ears. Do it! The winds commanded him as the wind harshly rifled his hair. He so wanted to, to die, to leave this world behind. He would to be free. Free from all the horrible and from all the great. He deserved the peace, though, now that was all he wanted was peace. Even though he probably wouldn't be granted peace by the higher power, he would be tortured in Hell for his evil. He deserved it. Anyway, he felt like an old man he had done too much and seen too much for how young he was. He wanted peace from life even if that peace would be his tortured soul being burnt by hell fire.

Should he jump? That would be just as selfish as staying alive. Staying alive, would mean his magic would slowly take hold of him, making him turn against that the people he was loyal to, it would mean that his cowardice would be always known to him, always haunting him. Jumping would mean that he had given up, completely and totally, Merlin knew this would also be cowardly, and everyone would know this. Maybe that would be best; everyone would just forget him, that coward that took cover as soon as someone drew out a sword. No one would know how he was going to turn dark side.

He had to, he decided. He would turn into another Morgana, who turned against the people she thought as friends and family. It would be better for the entire world for Merlin to die sooner than later. There would be less damage to Camelot, to the people he loved. Even, if they didn't care for him. He never ever wanted to hurt them. He didn't know what he would do after the evil inside consumed him.

"Goodbye World," he muttered, damn it, he really was an idiot; his last words would be something ridiculous like 'Goodbye World', nothing philosophical. And Arthur said that he could be wise.

"I wouldn't be to sure," Arthur's voice said gruffly behind, he grabbed him roughly and pulled him down.

"Arthur," Merlin said, shocked, "This isn't what it looks like."

Arthur ignored him, grabbed his blue shirt and started to drag him down the stairs; the guards ignored them, when they walked past. They knew that Prince Arthur and his manservant were always up to something, and almost always together. No one took any notice to them anymore. They avoided the topic with the King however, the idea of a servant and a Prince getting on so closely, would make the King furious and he would probably send the boy away to never to be seen in Camelot again or worse cut his head off. The only reason, no one had mentioned it was because Arthur changed into anyone would be happy to call their King other than that spoilt bully, they had known before Merlin had came along. Some of the Nobles did turn their nose up at the fact though.

Arthur pushed Merlin into his chambers.

"Sit," he commanded.

"Arthur…," he tried, but Arthur shot him a look that told him not to argue.

He compiled, this was going to be a long and awkward conversation, neither of the males wanted to have. Arthur knew that they where going to have to have it or Merlin might just get worse. He might succeed at his next attempt. Arthur struggled with the very idea of Merlin not waking him up late saying ridiculous ways to wake him up like 'let's have you, lazy daisy' while opening the curtains to let the burning sunlight into the formally darkened room. That is what Arthur saw Merlin as a bright, joyous (though sometimes over the top) ray of sunshine ready make any drizzly day into a perky and optimistic occasion. No, the idea of Merlin not being in this world was too painful to even to consider. Life without his annoying Manservant was no life at all, so whatever was going through Merlin's mind the Prince needed to fix it and fast. Arthur grit his teeth as a wave of determination coursed through him. There was no way he going to let anything harm someone like Merlin not even if it is the Manservant himself.

"What on Earth were you thinking?" Arthur managed to ground out through his tightly clenched jaw.

Averting his gaze, he looked downwards at the table to ashamed to look up at the future King more importantly his friend. He couldn't know what a coward the Warlock was, how evil was seared permanently into his veins.

"I wasn't," Merlin lied through his teeth, not believing a word he was saying, "A momentary lapse of judgement, I am sorry, Sire, won't happen again."

Yeah, Merlin told himself darkly, Next time you won't save me, by the time you realize that I am missing, I will be burning in hell where I belong, you won't have the evil inside me corrupting you and the entire Kingdom, you will be free from my tainted blood.

Arthur almost laughed at Merlin's hopeless attempt at lying; if he did laugh it would have been humourless and tinged with darkness and sadness. Arthur never wanted Merlin to make him laugh like that; if he ever laughed because of Merlin he wanted it to be full of mirth not soulless and dead.

"You are going have to try better than that," Arthur demanded, his eyes flashing dangerous.

Merlin sighed; Arthur would never understand if he told him. If Arthur learnt about the wickedness inside, he would order for him to be killed, regretting the fact that he didn't allow him to take the 'coward's' jump.

"What do you want me to say?" Merlin asked his voice low and whispery.

"The truth," Arthur told him, softly.

Inside the Prince was begging for it, he wanted to as well but his manly pride that normally controlled his actions won over again.

"You don't want know, my Lord," Merlin chuckled, darkly.

What was going on in that boy's head? Arthur wondered. Merlin had looked up at him, The Once and Future King stared into the blue irises which were normally bright and full of laughter and life, were dead and broken and filled with searing red hot pain.

"Like hell I don't," growled Arthur, his lack of patience and worry bubbling to the surface.

Merlin looked down again, the look Arthur was giving him, was full of worry and Merlin didn't want to get into the false sense of security of him actually caring for Merlin. The idea was unrealistic; no one really cared for him. Not even his Mother liked or cared him sending him away feeding him lies about it was for own his own safety. Really, she was signing his death certificate, hoping that the next news of him would be that his Head been chopped off in front of the Citizens of Camelot. I mean, really? Merlin thought to himself, emotionless, who sends a Warlock to Camelot for their own safety?

"No, you don't, Sire, it would be a waste of your time," Merlin told him, honestly believing that.

"No, Merlin, it would not be a waste of my time," Arthur growled at him, Arthur was furious at Merlin for not knowing his self importance, how much he cares for him, "When I ask you a question I expect you to answer in full honesty. So let's try this again. What on Earth were you thinking?"

Merlin sat there in silence, looking at the wooden table with faked interest, staring at the natural wooden pattern, its swirls and its black darkened circles. He didn't want be here. He didn't want Arthur to know about his weaknesses. He wanted his body crushed on the courtyard, where his blood was slowly staining the pavement which had shattered most of his bones into pieces red.

Arthur sighed as he watched his Manservant withdraw into himself; he would have to try harder to get through to him. He couldn't watch Merlin go further down into the dark and dangerous road, he was treading into now. Arthur would have to pull him out and help him go down the road he was traveling before. The one where you knew if you went a step forward, a bandit wouldn't come out and steal all of your belongings. Arthur decided to take a different approach, one that he would deny that he used if he was asked.

Gracefully, he sat down next to Merlin and tentatively grabbed his pale hand; Merlin flinched but didn't move his hand away. Arthur hoped that this was a good sign.

"Look at me," Arthur ordered him, softly but in away that leaved no way Merlin could disobey the order.

Merlin did, Arthur thought he looked strangely like a doe before he shot it in the heart with an arrow, vulnerable and apprehensive. Hunting does was something now he probably be never be able to do. God, Arthur thought, grumbling, Merlin is turning me into a girl like him. Arthur decided this was not important, if Merlin agreed to never attempt to kill himself again, he would never ever hunt anything again if he had to.

They stared at each other for moments that seemed forever trying to understand what was going through each other's head. Neither of them knew what to say, but Arthur decided to man-up and try his best shot.

"Please, Merlin, let me in," Arthur winced internally, at his begging so he hastened to add, "Life would be boring without be annoying disobedient Manservant."

Merlin's eyes flashed, burning cold with anger his eyes like a blue flame consuming an entire house with his icy glare. Times like those, that Arthur wondered if Merlin was truly a powerful being and his persona of being light, bubbly and clumsy was just a well directed and conducted act. Merlin pulled his hand away from Arthur's, and stood up.

"IS THAT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?" Merlin thundered he closed his eyes as he slowly regained himself, and now sported a low and dangerous tone which made Arthur shiver to the very core when Merlin used it, "Is that all you care about? You just care about the idea of me, a Manservant who does everything for you and when you are bored you can banter with. I won't ever think for a moment that you care for Merlin just your nameless faceless Manservant."

With a loud creak of a chair rubbing against a wooden floor, Arthur stood up himself, and grabbed the arms of the now pacing Merlin. He struggled against the strong arm that had gripped him tight. In short of using magic, there was nothing that Merlin could do to get free.

"Look at me," Arthur commanded, his tone which held a true power of a King, it was now Merlin's turn to shiver because of a tone of voice used, Merlin obeyed his pale face flushing slightly, "I care about you, Merlin, not the nameless faceless manservant you have been rabbiting on about. Do you think I haven't noticed that when you think no ones looking at you, your bright smile disappears? That you have been losing weight? That your attempts at humour have been a lot more half-hearted? That you have distanced yourself from everyone? I have noticed Merlin because I care about you." Arthur released some of the steal tight grip he had on Merlin not enough for him to slip way.

Merlin sighed, he was torn, and he had to let Arthur know what a monster he was however Arthur cared about him, he didn't want to let that go. .

"You shouldn't," Merlin murmured, quietly. His eyes shining with hope that Arthur would realise what he was saying was true and let him go so he could finish what he had started. So Arthur would never learn the truth about what a revolting creature he was.

Arthur sighed; Merlin really didn't understand how important he was. He was the reason Arthur could have the strength to fight for what was right not for want his Father wanted him to believe in. Merlin used his wise words when he had lost all confidence in himself. Merlin was the reason that when Arthur became King, the citizens would have one to be proud of. Merlin was one of the most brilliant people he had ever had the privilege to meet and it was a damn shame that it wasn't seen enough and wasn't put to a good use.

"Give me one good reason why not, I dare you," He barked, his hands had clenched harder around Merlin's arms again and were shaking up slightly.

"I am evil," Merlin looked down again from Arthur's eyes, not wanting to see the disgust that Arthur had written in for him.

Arthur sighed. Where does he get these ridiculous notions from? Arthur asked He doesn't have an evil bone in his body.

"Why would you think that? Arthur demanded he was slightly confused.

"Because I am," Merlin told him, still looking down at his and Arthur's boots.

"Prove it," Arthur growled at, his tone was challenging.

Merlin knew he had to admit, his deep dark secret. Arthur would never let him do it if he didn't know the full truth. Gaius would be fine, he would tell Arthur that he had nothing to do about it and had just conned an old and lonely man. He braced himself; he sucked in the air of the room. Hoping, some unknown force would stop him spilling the proverbial beans and smite him down.

"I am a warlock," He told Arthur, looking straight into his blue eyes so closely that he could see his own reflection.

Arthur released the grip he had on Merlin's arm and took a couple steps backwards trying to regain his chain of thoughts as they where whizzing past him two hundred miles per hour, The one that landed in his brain and parked there was Merlin couldn't have magic, he must have lost his mind.

"Ha, ha," Arthur chuckled, nervously, a thread of doubt of Merlin's true intentions settled in his stomach, "Good one."

Merlin glared at him, the idea about him joking about something like that in any way, shape or form was disgusting to him. He would never joke about his secret shame.

He spoke the ancient words of the old religion, his eyes turned into deep butterscotch gold. A burst of flames came out in front of Merlin and Arthur, Arthur was trying to make sense of this development but his mind came out blank. He watched in awe as the beauty of the flames had turned into the Pendragon crest. His father would have been revolted at the sight; it would have seen as the highest treason to use magic in such way, it would have been seen as a Sorcerer mocking Camelot. Arthur only saw the beauty in what he was seeing, how Merlin was able to control it by the slightest flick of his hand. Arthur was amazed about how much power his Manservant had in his possession. The flame died out with a small burst of red flames.

"I am sorry, sire, that I have deceived you in such an unforgivable way, I am sure you can't wait for my head to be chopped off," Merlin said in a respectful tone, his head bowed as a sign of submitting to the Prince.

Arthur looked at his Manservant, his pale skin, his cheekbones, his obscenely large ears, his skinny body he drank it all in. He thought back all of times he and Merlin had been in tight spot but always managed to find away out. Arthur always thought it was his quick thinking and bravery. Could it be that Merlin had been much more use than anyone had ever previously thought of? He thought back to all those time where his Father sat him down and lectured him on the evils of sorcery. Looking at Merlin, right there and then, disproved all of his Father beliefs and ideas of Magic. As Arthur knew that the very thought of Merlin being evil was laughable. He knew right there and then, magic was like a bow and arrow, it wasn't the arrow's fault that it hit a good man in the heart. It was the archer who aimed it that way. Magic was a tool. Not a person, he realised that now.

"You are not evil," Arthur told him, lifting Merlin's chin so the Warlock could see the truth burning in his eyes.

"I am," Merlin whispered doubt was evident on his features however.

"Have you ever killed anyone out of spite?" Arthur asked him, softly.

"Only ever to protect you and Camelot," Merlin admitted, he hoped what Arthur was saying was the truth.

"Used your magic any bad way?" Arthur prompted.

"Never," some may disagree but he had always used it for the good of Camelot but Merlin knew that he would forget that.

"Merlin" Arthur told him, "You are not evil, and you will never turn."

Merlin stepped back from Arthur, so suddenly his back hit the wall that was residing behind him.

"YOU'RE WRONG!" Merlin shouted, his despair surrounding his face and tone, "You're wrong." He whispered, his back slowly sliding down on to the floor, tears fell silently on his ivory cheeks, and they glistened in the candle light, Arthur sighed as Merlin repeated, "You're wrong."

Arthur moved onto the floor next to Merlin who was now sobbing into his arm. How could I not notice how far gone he was? He placed an arm over his shoulder in a hopefully comforting fashion. Merlin had rolled over and started to sob into Arthur's tunic. The Prince normally would have been disgusted by this type behaviour, any noble would be they where taught to keep their emotions out of the equation, no matter the consequences or the situation. Arthur had to bite his lip to stop the tears flooding himself, he remembered telling Merlin once 'no man is worth your tears'. Now, he realised that it wasn't so simple, Merlin was the reason he was going to be twice the man his Father was and twice the King when it comes to it. Merlin was the most important person in his life, and he was worth every single tear the world could shed.

"Hey," Arthur mumbled, "I am always right."

He had used humour to lighten the heavy tensions that could've been cut with a butter knife. Merlin chuckled slightly; the vibrations could be felt against Arthur's chest.

"Listen to me," Arthur ordered him, "And promise me you'll take what I say into consideration."

Merlin didn't say anything, he just stayed huddled against Arthur's chest, and his sobbing had toned down slightly, and was sniffling more often. He nodded his head slightly so Arthur took it as an indication to carry on.

"You are not evil nor will you ever be I assure you of that, you are good. The magic is controlled by you completely; it doesn't hold any power over you, you would never ever use your powers for bad intentions," Arthur told him, he couldn't help but play with Merlin's hair with his free hand, "Could you imagine the bedlam that would be caused by your death, it would be worse if the King himself had died, Gwen simply adores you, Gaius would be so lonely and I…," Arthur swallowed, his throat felt dry, "I can't even think about a life without my annoyingly sunny idiot of Manservant."

Merlin untangled himself from Arthur to look into Arthur's eyes, Merlin's eyes flashing with confusion. Was Arthur right? Am I good? Merlin asked himself, doubts of everything he had learnt about himself in the past couple of months. Did I have people that cared for me? There one thought however in his mind that was worrying him.

"Please say you haven't chosen me," Merlin croaked, he had stopped crying, dry tears had stained his porcelain cheeks.

"What do you mean?" Arthur said, confused.

"I cannot allow you to choose me over the King's laws and beliefs," Merlin told him, sighing; "You have to turn me in."

"No, my Father's laws are wrong and unjustified; I no longer listen to my Father's prejudices as I know that they are not true," Arthur told him, determined.

Merlin nodded, swallowing. This went a lot better than he had expected, he thought that when Arthur found out he would have chopped his head off without even blinking and would never speak about him again. This was like a dream, however Merlin knew that there was a darkness inside that would doubt him. That would tell him that he was evil, a disgrace to humanity, an abomination.

"Thank-you," he whispered, he stared at Arthur with wonder, and pride swelled his heart.

Arthur waved Merlin's gratitude off; he would always choose Merlin when it came to such matters as it would be the right choice. Always.

"I want you to go to sleep and in the Servant chamber next to mine, so I can keep an eye on you, we will talk more in the morning, now you need your rest, the stables need cleaning tomorrow," he told Merlin grinning slightly at the end.

Merlin grin returned it was completely normal it wasn't faked like they have been recently, a full blown Merlin grin. It made Arthur smile slightly. He had missed that smile so much. However they both knew that there would be more work to do, it would be a long road to travel but they would manage it.

"Prat," Merlin told him, as he got up and moved into the direction of the servant chambers.

"Idiot," Arthur retorted, getting up himself with a small smile gracing his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading. You can comment if you want to ;-) xx


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